You may laugh, but after you’ve been here a while, you can see how this might be an advantage.
…to finally post this list for your edification:
Things to never say in public in Fairbanks:
1) “I’m thinking about getting another dog.” (Thus prompting the always prevalent “Want one of mine?”)
2) “My fishing hole rocks! It’s that little spot on the (name of river) at the bend near (name of area of river) – you know that one?”
3) “This is NOT what I expected of Fairbanks when I signed up for the side tour on the cruise – what a dump!”
4) “I never understood why people would want to join the Army.” (or Airforce) OR – “I didn’t ask to be assigned here!”
5) “I can’t stand hockey!” (Note, this is way different than, “I don’t understand hockey.”) Fairbanksans are very friendly, and would looove to teach a newcomer about the game. They won’t look at you like you’re an alien; they like to teach!
6) “I can’t stand fishing.” (same rule.)
7) “I can’t stand to be cold.” (ditto)
8) “That’s not how it is in…” (fill in the name of a lower 48 state).
9) “They’re probably just trying to mess with us – how bad can that road *be*?” (Cut your losses – listen to people when they tell you what to pack in the car “just in case”.)
10) “Honey, take my picture with this moose!” (…bear, wolf).
(c. Chad Carpenter, Tundra comics, http://www.tundracomics.com) and Jamie Smith’s “nuggets”.
Things that have turned out to be perennial certainties in my AK winter; 1) that I will pull into the drive and say to myself that I will plug in the car later, and then forget, leaving me with a frozen car in the morning. 2) That my heavy mitts will smell like dog poop and fuel oil until spring. 3) That I always think I have more time to get somewhere than I actually do. 4) That I will gain weight. 5) That I will plan a productive evening, crafting, doing art projects I’ve thought up, reading, doing dishes, or whatever, and actually just end up napping on the sofa in front of whatever’s on PBS. 6) That I will think sometime that I will have a second glass of NUMMY Rulo wine or Spruce Tip Alaskan Ale, and will STILL THINK that I will actually do ANYTHING productive after that. 7) That I have walked the dog and worked out at the gym more inconsistently this winter than last, even though the temps were COLDER last year, and that this is a trend that needs to stop. 8. That I will slip and fall ONE time during the winter, and that nothing will be hurt except my pride. 9) That I will decide NOT to put my car keys inside my mitt on the walk out to my car, and then clumsily drop them in a 6 inch snow drift and have to root around for them. 10). That I will resolve to do better *next* winter, then forget all about that during the blissful sunshine that comes during our summer (which is about 80 days).
- Two women sitting outside their house on the step chatting. Just chatting.
- What looked like a homeless guy with a reallllly long gray beard and hair, precipitously and teeterlingly riding a bicycle down the middle of a downtown street…A very *nice* and *expensive* looking bike. One should never judge a book by its cover. Fairbanks is such an unpredictable place, he might be the dean of a department at UAF!
- The loudest and barkiest, as well as the smallest scottie schnauzer terrier I’ve ever seen – how can such a dominant 45 pound Aussie mix get so anxious at such a dog?
- A LOVELY rainbow over the Chena River.
- A little girl who was getting out of her parent’s car that called to me, “I like your puppy!”
- A license plate frame on a car parked outside Big Daddy’s BBQ (one of my favorite restaurants) that at first I thought said, “nonbeliever”. Whoa, I thought, that’s pretty ballsy – Fairbanks is a pretty church-going town, and people rarely admit to being athiests. However, I don’t have a problem putting it right out there for everyone to see; it’s a free country, after all….Then I noticed the *top* of the frame had wording too, that I hadn’t noticed.
***SIGH**. 😦 Words fail me. Where to start? At least the rest of the walk was cool.
“As Christians, we are sorry for being self-righteous, judgmental bastards.” -Jay Bakker, Revolution Church.
I’m so glad I’m a librarian *now* instead of then….
If this was the case, I would’ve NEVER been hired; as my mom can attest.
I’m sure these were NOT made up…